Redneck Alphabet – SEO Version
NOTE: This isn’t a completely original idea. It was inspired by “Redneck Alphabet”, a standup bit by legendary comedian Jeff Foxworthy. So thank you, Jeff.
A there, y’all, ‘n’ thankyaverymuch fer lissenin’ at my website SEO story!
B (that’s mah wife, or at least dat’s what her daddy’s shotgun tol’ me) an’ I dun bin workin’ at our website fer sellin’ custom redneck wedding packages: y’know, sequined miniskirt weddin’ dresses, live bait, dandelion bridal bouquets, stuff like that.
C, it ain’t easy tryin’ to sell dis stuff local cuz of our probation for runnin’ over the sheriff with our house accidental, so we’s doin’ it on the Innernet.
D problem was dat we just couldn’t get our website on them thar search Injuns, an’ we din’ know why, so we dun found one of them SEO disgustion forums an’ asked some guy named SEOExpert.
E told us that thar were a whole buncha stuff wrong with our HTML codin’, an’ our text op-mazayshin, an’ our whole site in general.
F yer gonna make a go on tha Innernet, ya gotta have validated codin’ so’s the search engines can index yer site all properlike an’ so’s yer customers can not have their browsers crash or display the page goofier than a pet coon an’ stuff for starters, E sed.
G whiz, dat was a lot of work, ‘cuz our website had over 1…2…3…okay, that’s as far as I learnt to count, but it had a whole big buncha pages.
H one of ’em little critters had to be cleaned up an’ validated…it took me so long ah dun missed 3 whole NASCAR races on the TV!
I got it all fixed and nice-like, so I went back onto the SEO disgustion forum and axed SEOExpert agin what all I needed to do next.
J E sed, you dun a good job with your code cleanin’, but now ya gotta optimize your descriptions all nicelike.
K, so how do I do dat, I axed.
L, boy, I dun can’t give away alla mah secrets, so just go to Bruce Clay’s site ‘n’ learn how to use them thar tools.
M are the best tools I ever did see for op-mazaytin’ a website I ever did see, ahtayuWUT!
N then, ya gotta summit yer site to alla tha engines and direckries thatcha can, to try an’ get your inbound links count up, E sed.
O boy, that sounds like a lot of work, but I can do it: you got any more sound advice.
P afore ya gets started, cuz it’s hard to do SEO-type work on a full bladder, E sed.
Q go ‘n’ pee for me, cuz the probation officer needs a urine sample ‘n’ I don’t want ‘im to see my blood alcohol level bein’ higher than mah IQ, I axed.
R you crazy, or just plain twisted, E sed.
S da dummest dang thing I ever dun heared of.
T site was all summited, n’ we dun made enuff money to buy our entire family double-wides.
U prolly wanna know how we did it, ‘sides the comments up above in the story, so ammataya now.
V not only summited to direckries, we also summited articles, press releases, an’ we posted on lots and lotsa disgustion forums to get traffic, so you should too.
W ya traffic or more by comin’ up wit’ sumpin’ real different and creativelike to promote yer website…B and I, we offered a free possum shank with every order, so don’t take that idea, okay (it’s our Beverly Hillbillies promotion!)
X out all da unnecessary spammy words an’ things like dat, ‘n’ just focus on the reglar words related to yer site.
Y would y’all have words about boobies ‘n’ naked wimmin anyway, I dunno, ‘cuz I don’t think nobody’s gonna wanna look for boobies ‘n’ naked wimmin onna Innernet.
Z advice an’ tips up above should help you get started on the road to website success, ‘n’ hopefully we’ll see y’all onna road drivin’ yer houses down I-95 headin’ for Florida like we is.
The previous story was strictly fictional and intended as satire. Any character resemblance to actual people, living or dead, is strictly coincidental.
